intentionality

Once more, I am reminded that I'm pretty unconscious most of the day.

I am dog sitting my daughter's two dogs while she is in Japan. They are cute, small, kinda yippy. Over the past several days I wasn't sleeping. They were in the bed with me, along with my Walter (seriously the world's most attractive miniature Schnauzer). But Walter is totally cool. He only snuggles if it is very cold and the heat is a necessity. Or if I have a bad dream and need a little companionship. But it is pretty warm at night so Walter finds a part of the bed a small distance from me.

The two little dogs are not so accommodating. They demand full on bed time. They are incredibly annoying, especially Gidget, who crawls under the sheets and want to sleep between my legs. I was planning on boarding the dogs at a local dog hotel--I was desperate for sleep. Last night, as a final maneuver, I got firm. I used my dog training voice and kinda threw the dogs out of the bed when they transgressed. Long story short: good night sleep, no dogs.

My actions were based on intentionality which I learned years ago at the Miraval Spa when I took the "equine experience." But that is another story

precision laying out

In Southern California we never say, "I'm going to sun bathe" or "work on my tan". It is always,
"I'm going to lay out". Kinda like people from the Bay Area never say, "San Francisco" or worse yet, "San Fran". It is always, "The City".

Today, I was desperate. I have the perfect outfit for Saturday: a blue green sweater with one shoulder strap (cashmere) and matching raw silk pants. I know it sounds weird but it is Michael Kors so you know it works. One problem--bad tan lines. When I'm riding my bike, walking Walter, or hiking I usually wear a tank top. I've got stripes.

This afternoon I layed out. But it was cold. So I put a blanket over me, up to the troubling tan line area. Then I covered my face and neck (too much money already spent trying to repair the sun damage there). So, a towel here and blanket there and I had about a 9" by 4" rectangle exposed.

It isn't summer yet, but there are still lots of small planes and helicopters down at the beach. Seem like more of them were making a detour over my back yard today . . .

obligation

If a party or wedding is supposed to be a joyous event then why do I so often feel obligated to attend? This weekend, my husband and I attended a "family" wedding in Salt Lake City. The mother of the groom is Mike's cousin. I've met the groom once or twice. I find his mother, Deb, to be a bit of a moocher. She visits us periodically, stays at the house, uses our cars, and never offers to pick up a bill or show appreciation. We attended her daughter's wedding a few years back and it was awful. Bad food, immature bride, weird guests. This one was pretty much the same.

It was a rainy day, which is pretty typical for Salt Lake City. The ceremony was outside. Wouldn't the hosts plan ahead for this possibility? Luckily, it was a pretty light sprinkle. We sat outside while the bride and groom celebrated their marriage vows (they were under a canopy, of sorts). The service was really nice, great pastor, but it did last an hour. Luckily, my hair is now straight due to the magic of the Brazilian Blow Out. If I'd ended up with frizzy hair I would have really been pissed.

The reception was inside (lucky us). Since the bride and groom are recovering addicts there was no alcohol. Not a great way to start, per me. The buffet line lasted forever. We sat at one of the family tables--the mother of the bride and her boyfriend (they own a clinic for recovering addicts), her brother and sister (she was adopted and only meant them a few years ago)--they are both in the car transport business. Mike's other cousin, Doug, was there. He is sweet but has Down's Syndrome. His girlfriend was also present and she has cerebral palsey--Tamara. She was the best of the lot. I loved her comment, "Where can we get some alcohol?"

Nightmare

Last night I dreamed that I was about to be raped. It was daylight, mid morning, I had taken a shower and had a towel around me. I was in my bathroom, walking towards my bedroom, when a man appeared in the doorway. He was young, about mid-twenties, clean cut, with a baseball cap. When I looked at his face, I just knew he was going to attack me. I said, "You don't want to do this." He smiled. I woke up.

That was about 4:00 a.m. I locked my bedroom door. I knew that wouldn't keep him out, but, at least, it would buy me some time.

Over the next hour or so, I started to rewrite my dream, the next part of it. I've been boxing at the gym. I imagined getting into my pose and hitting him with two quick left jabs and then snapping a solid right to his nose, throwing my body into the punch. I saw surprise and pain. But my bathroom is long and narrow and it was hard to get past him. I imagined all the ways I could hurt him, at least for a few moments, so that I could run past him and escape. He didn't appear to be very strong or fit but I knew he could easily over power me. All those miles of running, all the yoga, all the bicycle riding and I could not save myself from one sick bastard.

I'm not sure when I fell asleep. I woke up at 7:00 a.m.

Tonight I have been thinking about dream analysis. My understanding is that the person in the dream represents something or someone else. There is someone or something out there who takes away my power. Who I classify as an attacker and don't know how to protect myself. I think I know who this person is. He is not very scary and would never be physically aggressive but his demeaning sense of humor makes me feel attacked and powerless. And he appears common and harmless, just like the man in my dream. He would be shocked if I told him that he was the subject of my dream. But, my psyche is reminding me to be cautious and protect myself with two left jabs and one good right. And, remember, the space is long and narrow and it will be difficult to run past the bastard.

P.S. He is not my boss!